The time has come again to blog *yay* i hear you cry. (If you think about that sentence long enough, there are 2 different meanings it could have, lol) . Well i'm back at university now, i have been here two days and and already am having a good old fabulous time again, after the strangest 3 weeks of Easter holiday, ever. It was a wonderful holiday, i packed the 3 three weeks with as many friends, trips and things to keep myself entertained with as possible for the fear of being bored out of my tiny little head. I caught up with a childhood friend in Nottingham, went on a road trip to Cardiff with a friend from the ship, went bowling with a friend and lots of people i'd never met before in Miton Keynes, did a lot of shopping and piano playing, went to the pub with school friends, and had another ship mate from America come stay, road tripped to Cornwall with my parents, went surfing and slept in a summer house, before waving her off to Liberia. I can't say i was bored, but i can say for most of it i felt fairly dead inside (An over-used phrase in my vocabulary these days). I can't put my finger on why exactly, but i could not feel comfortable in myself at home. It would be easy to say it was because of my parents or something, and maybe that was something to do with it, but our problems, or the solution to our problems has to start with us pointing the finger at ourselves, not at others.

The moment Mum and i drove into Bangor again 2 days ago, i felt so at home. I felt so much peace, i began to feel i was where i belonged again. What a reassuring feeling!! If i'm to spend the next 2 or 3 years here, it's a blessing to feel so at home. Seeing my friends again, the looks on their faces when they saw me and the hugs they gave made me feel alive again, Lord i realised how much i love and need them! Oh how blessed i am.

Yesterday on Sunday, my favourite day of the week here, i played on the grand piano at church, i talked girl talk for hours with a good friend, the sun was shining and in the evening i met up with my cell group who never cease to be an incredible blessing and encouragement. Then on the way home, i sat in silence on a bench in a field overlooking the Menai, and God spoke to me - and the picture above is what he showed me, he was just reminding me of who he is. I can't explain how beautiful it was! The sunset over the Menai and the trees, the birds chirpin away and complete aloness with God. I got such a sense that i was walking in the light, and i was walking the right way.

I think it's time for a more uplifting blog. I'll tell you about a conversation the Lord and i had last night, for they are always uplifting. As i lay in bed, considering the day's events, i began to feel frustrated with myself (a frequent occurence these days). My inibility to reach my own standards was leading to a long term dissatisfaction with my life. I watch movies and i see some incredible (as my friend Catherine would call them, 'Edgy') characters, like the Psychologist guy on Good Will Hunting that Robyn Williams plays, and i say "God, why can't i be like that? He's so darn cool." I wanna be good at everything, yet i feel just average at everything, just to be some sort of genius in one area would be amazing, in fact that would be better at being good at everything. I'd want to be a musical genius, with the ability to perfectly express a feeling faultlessly through music, or an experience, through a variety of styles. It'd be heaven. But the fact is, i'm not. And as i was lying in bed last night feeling frustrated at God for my inability to express a feeling faultlessly through music, God gently whispered "Child, you're missing the point." Ah, i thought. "I've given you a talent, it's not how great or small that talent is, it's what you do with it, the heart you use it with and the glory you bring to me with it that matters." Then i saw a picture of his glory, and felt his presence, and knew that that should be the focus of everything i do, not whether i'm good enough at doing something. (I must point out here that this is not the first time the Lord and I have had this conversation; i'd just fogotten the lesson he'd taught me before on the ship last year, as i was about to give up playing piano because i wan't good enough in my own eyes. I'm a slow learner.) So what a musician might call bad, if done with passion and a pure desire to bring glory to God, the Lord hears as beautiful. Who's opinion am i looking for? And as i've known Doug Heffernan point out, music so often becomes performance orientated rather than God focused. Is it the notes we play, or the offering of our ability whether great or small as a sacrifice with a pure heart? Well it's barely a question is it, with an answer so blindingly clear, i guess it's just a case of remembering it whenever we even think about making a sound.

"SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEEEEEEASE...."

In the words of The Wedding Singer that is. If you've never seen it, see it, even if it's just for his song - so gut wrenchingly heartfelt and raw, wonderful. Up til now i've related to it most closely the moment i've stepped out of a stats exam on various occasions at uni, but after arriving at home for the Easter break, it's taken on a whole new meaning. Let me explain.

FRIDAY: Last day of uni before 3 week Easter break. Mum comes up in the Evening to stay over, and it was lovely, but still a huge shock to the system to have a mum again, and it was soon apparent she's never going to be happy with my hair style.

SATURDAY: After a lot of goodbyes, we set off back home. I was supposed to be going home on Sunday afternoon as i was down to do an Archery competition Sunday morning, but decided to go a day early to see Dad in a Folk, Gospel & Blues concert. My (mostly self-inflicted) sleep deprivation from the last month meant i was shattered, arriving home confused and disorientated. Man, it's so eerie here, it was saturday afternoon and no-one was around - like the second coming had been and gone and i'd missed it. And where are all the mountains?? I'd never noticed how flat this place is. Anyway, i had to cook the dinner for family (so what's the point in coming home?! jk) and rush out to help at the concert. I was absolutely useless. But with all this going on, Ben, my former long(ish)-term boyfriend was also playing there, and if i'm honest with myself, i was as much going to the concert to see him as i was my Dad as i hadn't seen him for 8 or 9 months. We had a lovely conversation. I forgot about how well we got on. How nice he is. Can't stop thinking... After all this, i broke down feeling lonely, confused and disorientated, crying down the phone to Catherine. I wanted to go back to uni.

SUNDAY: Never made it out of my PJs. Did nothing but drink tea, play guitar and print off soul survivor sheet music the entire day. Felt better though. Til the evening, when my conversation with another former boyfriend left much to be desired on my part - and leaves me feeling completely useless and awful like everything i touch seems to turn bad. I hope i still have a friend at the end of it all. Will i ever have a good, wholesome, fulfilling relationship that doesn't turn bad? Hopefully. I'm trusting God, but in the mean time man-fast's in full swing and i'm praying my damaged relationships with specific other's might be reconciled.

Maybe i really will be a nun, who knows?

ps. Please leave comments! (it's just nice to know who's read :) )

My new career choice

I think i'm going to be a nun.