Suzy's Thinking Place

A story about a cloud

2011-09-27T23:04:00.005Z

I've just rediscovered this story that I once wrote some years ago, as I read it back it still holds the same power it did for me then, I hope it does for you too.

I saw myself, standing in a green field.

I had with me ropes, large grappling hooks and a basket. I was on a mission, and that mission was to get to heaven.It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining through the clouds above me, and there wasn’t another soul in sight. I had a plan... If I could just hook my ropes onto a cloud, I had a clever system that I could pull myself up with. It really was awfully clever. I threw my grappling hooks into the air to catch a cloud, but it would not catch. The hooks would not hold, and each time they fell back down. I tried and tried to no avail, when I decided my next try would be my last. No more would I strive for heaven, no more would I strive to know it's secrets. I threw my hook and rope into the air for a final time.... and to my surprise, it caught. I pulled it, and it did not fall back down. I thought I was awfully clever. I tied the rope to the ground and I threw another, the second caught too, then the third, and then the fourth. When all four were firmly in place I affixed my basket and began my ascent. While enjoying the view, smug in how clever I had been, it began to rain. Being so very clever, I had prepared for all eventualities, and I took out my umbrella. But before I had a chance to open it, I saw that the rain was not like normal rain, instead it was crimson red. As I looked in disbelief, I noticed that instead of making me red too, I became white… like it was washing me, making me clean. Confused, I continued my ascent until I reached the cloud, where I pulled myself up and into the blue above. But then the worst possible sight lay before my eyes. I fell to my knees as before me lay a dead man, splayed out on his back. My four grappling hooks were piercing him, one in each hand and foot. The spikes in his limbs had taken the weight of me and my baggage, killing him. I could see the pain on his face, the strain in his body. I’m sorry I cried.I cried and I cried. My tears flowed over him as I removed the hooks from his hands and feet, it's my fault, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. The hooks and the ropes dropped back down to the earth, and I sat there feeling so alone on that cloud, crying. All at once, the man began to move. He groaned, and opened his eyes. My surprise gave way to relief, and my relief to fear, for surely this man would be angry with me? As his gaze found mine, I realized there was only kindness in his eyes. They were so beautiful, like he could see into me. I’m sorry, I said, I’m so sorry. How did this happen? He quietened me and he told me not to be afraid, then began to explain that he saw me trying to reach heaven. You were trying so hard, he said, but your hooks would not hold onto the cloud, they kept falling. I wanted you to come, I wanted you to get here, I wanted to show you everything, so I laid myself down. I caught them because hooked onto me, I knew you would make it.

We were standing now, upon the cloud in the warmth of the day. The man pointed across the sky towards the sun where I saw the gates of heaven. Come with me, he said, I’ve much to show you.

Love Story

2011-04-11T15:16:00.004Z

from http://www.artakiane.com/gallery

Once upon a time, in an island there lived six feelings and emotions: Happiness, Knowledge, Love, Sadness, Richness and Vanity. One day they discovered that the island began sinking! So all of them built boats and canoes and left, one by one. Except for Love. Love wanted to delay abandoning her beloved island as long as possible.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.
Richness was passing by Love in a boat. Love asked, "Richness, can you take me with you?"

Richness answered, "Sorry, Love, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat, so there is no place here for you. With both of us in here we will sink for sure."

Love next asked Vanity who was also sailing by, but Vanity offered the same answer.
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by, so Love asked, "Sadness, take me along with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!", sadness said in a gloomy voice.

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so preoccupied with her happiness that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you."

It was an elder with a tattered head scarf. An overjoyed Love jumped into the boat. When they arrived at a dry land, the elder went her own way.
Love looked around and saw the Knowledge who was the first to have landed there a while ago.

"Who Helped me?" Love asked.
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time? Why time?" Love was surprised.

"Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is." The Knowledge smiled.

God's Chisel - The Skit Guys

2010-08-12T00:49:00.000Z

What God did for me today #1

2010-07-23T00:35:00.005Z

²²Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ²³Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ~ Luke 12

Today I've felt almost inexplicably happy. I think it has more to do with what God did for me today.

There are 3 things God has specifically asked of me, which I can no longer ignore. These are:

1) To love him like I used to. I used to write letters to God all the time, it's hard to pray so I felt like God couldn't forget my prayers if I wrote them down. As I grew older I lost this habit, and at a Soul Survivor talk a few years ago called 'You don't love me like you used to', He clear as day showed me his pain that I don't write to him anymore. Like he treasured my letters, poured over them, missed them and the intimacy it brought us as I poured out my heart to him.

2) Be creative. I have lost count of the number of times God has told me to use my hands and be creative, both musically and otherwise. A prophesy by Stephan Hugo at the end of my MercyShip adventure said buntly "Your creativity has been slumbering". As I began writing my letters to God again, I asked him: 'What do you want from me?'. He said: 'Creativity'.

3) To open up my life to others. This is why I'm writing this on a blog right now, not because I want attention, but because He wants people to know what he's doing. (What good is a light is if it's hidden?)

It is on count of all three that I'm writing this.

So I got out of bed today and first things first, made myself a cup of tea. Milk was off, tea tasted awful. No milk, no cereal, no money to purchase said food items due to current 'between (real) jobs' life interlude. However, on I go with my daily activities such as application form writing and regular 10 minute facebook notification checks, all fueled by 3 toasted crumpets that had been hiding at the back of the freezer. Head off to job number 1 of 3 at 4pm, trusting that the endless supply of cake and sometimes other food types would see me through the evening. I no longer worry about my lack of food, because the truth is I haven't done a food shop in 2 months and haven't gone a day without eating well. Each day, I experience provision I couldn't have planned - and today would become a perfect example of that. I feel happy at work, I'm surrounded by friends and generally wonderfully banterful people who were all on top form, and naturally, we ate cake. I'd arranged to visit my friend Isabel after work as I hadn't seen her for ages, my crazy big strong black missionary mother Isabel, and though she has so little herself, she's the most generous person I know. She fed me without me asking and we stayed up watching films, talking and laughing until 1am. As I went to leave and before I knew what was happening, she pulled out cheese, potatoes, tins of soup, 2 cartons of milk and a box of cereal.... I hadn't even told her I needed anything.

Previously: The night before, I'd sat down filling in my scrapbook, exercising my creativity. The night before that I'd starting writing a letter to God. I don't believe for a minute that God's provision is dependent upon what we do, as it's not about what we do, it's about who He is. However, when we pray, coincidences happen. When we trust in Him and do as he asks, we harvest peace and joy.

³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~ Matthew 6

The measure of a man

2010-03-21T23:37:00.003Z

There was a man talking in church this morning who said this: "I was sitting on the balcony of a church service and paying no attention, adrift in my own worries and thoughts. As if he knew me and what I was thinking, he pointed at me and said 'A man is not measured by his fame or fortune, but by the amount of discouragement he receives and continues to stand.' "

Dear Jesus

2010-03-21T22:31:00.005Z

Sometimes I don't get you.

You're a mystery to me. Yet you're so intriguing I cannot help but continue to follow you, even though sometimes it's from a distance, and I don't know where you're leading. Just when I think I have it figured, you go and do something I least expect, you're nothing like me. "My ways are not your ways" you say, I say "no kidding".

You trouble me. You let us ponder over you in our ignorance, but you never impatiently jump in without an invite. I wish you would - it would make explaining you so much easier. But you don't fear what we think of you, even those who don't think of you at all, but I do know they trouble you, too.

You annoy me. You're inside me, my heart bursts when you're around, but I get so lonely when you seem far off and you make me wait. Even though you haven't gone anywhere, you let me work it out for myself whilst giving me something of a clue, but you don't do it they way I think you should do.

You own me. But it's like I have no choice, I'm sold out to you now and there's no turning back. We've come too far, you've come through for me every time - when I've put you to the test and you didn't disappoint me, you always gave me what I needed, showed me grace even when I threw it all back in your face.

You love me. It always comes back to this. I've heard it said so many times, but the reality of it I cannot fathom. This is the most mysterious, troubling, annoying thing about you.

I'd understand if you got mad when I made a mistake, if you made me feel guilty about things, if you stopped talking to me when I didn't do want you want, but you don't do any such things.

You are not strict

You are not unkind

You are not irrational

You are not impatient

You are not distant

You are not disinterested

No, you're nothing like me.

So, Thank you.

Thank you.

For Anyone That's Yet to Come

2010-03-02T22:14:00.002Z

Amazing.

2008-08-06T20:40:00.002Z

This is an amazing, inspiring true story from a book i'm reading and felt the need to share it, because though miracles happen they only rarely get passed on:

~~~When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson p. 26-27~~~

"His name was Luke. Like nost of the folks from the streets he and his wife Jennifer had come to the wedding because food was being served. Luke walked with difficulty, needing the help of a cane. He wore braces round each arm, and a large brace around his neck.

Following the meal my brother Rob and i brought them into the church kitchen, asking him about the braces on each arm. He told us him problem was carpal tunnel syndrome. I asked him if he could take the braces off and let us pray. He said yes. (Whenever it's possible I like to remove whatever that person might trust in other than God.) He did so, and we laid our hands on his wrists, commanding the tunnel to open and all numbness and pain to be gone. He then moved his hands freely, experiencing the healing he had just received.

When we asked him about his cane and the obvious problem with his leg, he described how he had suffered a horrible accident. As a result, he had an artificial shin and hip and had even lost half a lung. His walk was laboured and painful. When the surgeons put him back together his leg was an inch too short. I had him sit down and encouraged both him and his wife to watch what God was about to do...... We commanded the leg to grow. It did. When he stood, he shifted his weight from side to side, almost as though her were trying on a new pair of shoes, saying 'Yeah, that's about right'. ...... I asked him to walk across the room, which he did gladly, without a limp and without pain. God was at work......

Next we asked about Luke's neck. He told me he had cancer and was given a couple of years to live..... the brace was necessary because of the loss of muscles in his neck. The brace held his head in place. By this time a group had gathered, not to watch, but to participate. At my request he removed the brace while another man in our church, a medical doctor, safely held his head. ...... i heard the doctor command new muscles to grow. ..... When we were finished, Luke turned his head from side to side. All was restored. He then placed his hand on the side of his neck and exclaimed, 'the lumps are gone!'

His doctor gave him a clean bill of health, and the miracles continued long past the physical healing. Luke and Jennifer began to serve Jesus as their Lord and Saviour. Within weeks Luke got a job, the first time he had worked in 17 years. Jesus heals the whole person.

- Bill Johnson, When Heaven Invades Earth, pp. 26-27.

Great words

2007-12-18T17:16:00.000Z

I just found a site with some brilliant words: Forthright's favourites.

Omphaloskepsis
om-fe-lo-skep'sis, n (Greek, from omphalos navel and skepsis query, doubt)
Navel-gazing. This extraordinarily rare word is not normally used literally, but instead to refer to the sort of introspective self-analysis all too common in academia and pop psychology. A favourite pastime of postmodern philosophers, especially when used facetiously to refer to the habit of mentally considering everything while ignoring the real world.

Panopticon
pan-op'ti-kon, n (Greek, pan- all and optikon for seeing)
A prison where all inmates can be watched from one point; an exhibition room. The panopticon was an idea of Jeremy Bentham. If a single guard post is erected in the middle of a circular prison, all cells can be seen from that point. Unfortunately, the idea never caught on, though the word was used to apply to a royal exhibition in London roughly organized on such a scheme.

Peccavi
pek-ah-vee, n (Latin peccavi I have sinned)
An admission of sin or guilt. Not only is this word's meaning unique, and its sound very interesting, but it gave rise to the most witty multilingual pun of all time. In 1843, when Sir Charles Napier sent a preliminary dispatch of a single word: "peccavi". The reason: his military victory and conquest of the province of Sind (now in Pakistan). His message: "I have Sind".

Phrontistery
fron'tis-te-ree, n (Greek phrontisterion, from phrontistes a thinker, from phroneein to think)
A thinking-place; a place for study. I simply had to include 'phrontistery' on this list. It was first used by Aristophanes to apply to the school of Socrates, and was somewhat mocking in tone. A peculiar (and under-used) term, I hope to reclaim it for thinking people everywhere. No other term is synonymous, and its intellectual if pompous sound merely adds to its charm.

Selcouth
sel'kooth, adj (Old English sel(d)cuth, from seldan seldom, and cuth, known)
Strange; unfamiliar; marvellous. Combining the sense of strangeness with that of wonder, selcouth is a fantastic self-referential word, being both marvellous and (to most English speakers) entirely unfamiliar. No word is really synonymous with it, and it reflects very well the sense of wonder and amazement at seeing something truly new and unusual. Enjoy it!

A lament.

2007-11-24T00:36:00.000Z

I thought i'd take the opportunity, while i;m slightly tispy, to pay tribute to how crap i was at open mic tongiht. Granted it was mainly the Student Union's fault fro not providing the right eqipment (there should have been a JACK for the ELECTRIC-ACOUSTIC i borrowed from my friend Luke but there wasn't). I couldn't hear the guitar because the feedback was too bad when the sounds was turned up, so i sang out of tune. I really can sing people. I promise i can. Everyone was talking, it was too loud in my little ears, i like quiet things. I may keep my furutre performances to samll appreciative audiences of one or two people in future, as long as they are very, very quiet. People dont talk through stories, or they miss important bits. So it is with my songs, i bare my soul... dont talk over it. Don't cheapen my feelings. I left early coz i have band practice 2omorrow morning, and i am rather proud t say i am the only one i heard who sang their own songs. The others were very good on guitar and had beautiful voices and yes thats what the audience wanted, but hey. Sometimes new music is worth listening to. Can't wait to release our BabyGrey band ot the world in Jan. It's coming my friends. It's coming.

Somebody

2007-11-06T00:04:00.000Z

Love me.

In the library... Gasp Shock horror

2007-10-22T11:45:00.000Z

I'm feeling smug, as i'm actually sitting in the library, doing my work. It's week 4 now, and i'm finally getting down to it. I've downloaded all my readings, all the lecture slides and i've almost finished writing up my lecture notes in neat. I'm what you could call the True Pretender ~ procrastinating to the level of extreme organisation because i wont write something or read something or actually take something in in a way that increases my knowledge and understanding of my subject, until a sign could be put up above the situation marking it as 'Completely desperate, potentially hopeless'.

Right well i'll get back to my super-organising now, i feel better that i've got that out my system.

Pretentious poetry and how much i hate it

2007-10-16T15:41:00.000Z

It really does make me angry, i was going to write some just to make my point but i'm acutally having quite a good day today compared to yesterday and i dont want to spoil it for myself. But can i recommend the haiku-o-matic to bring hours of fun.

('...Haiku is a classical japanese poetry form with a rich history, but this isn't a history lesson. The standard haiku format is a triplet of lines containing five, seven, and five syllables per respective line. When haiku is done well, it can be very good... When haiku is done poorly, it can be very very bad.')

Sultry Ms. Pac-Man,
Slinking away from the ghosts,
Injesting pellets.
....
Old food in the fridge,
Unidentifiable,
I am scared of it.
....
Stuck for many days,
The wrong side of an s-bend,
Where is my plunger?

Ok so these ones aren't mine, but you get the picture.

Blog about my 'day'

2007-10-14T00:52:00.000Z

I dont drink very much, in fact when i filled out a questionnaire about my drinking habits in my Psychology of Addictive Behaviours lecture last week, my average alcohol intake on an average week is 2 units. That's the equivalent of one glass of wine to you and me. Last night i went to a party in a house, or house party, but drank nothing. Nada. Nothing but straight Dandelion & Burdock for me (and even that was a bit strong, at one point i ended up making a fool of myself in the kitchen, as my new shoes slid across the tiles depositing my ass nicely on the floor). Didn't get back til 4.30am, and despite being completely sober i set my alarm wrong. Stupid 12hr clocks. For the record, 12AM is MIDNIGHT and 12PM is MIDDAY. When i awoke this 'morning', i checked my phone for messages, not terribly worried as my alarm hadn't gone off yet. I had one message received... at 5.33pm. Excuse me? What? Turned out it was 10 minutes to 6. If today had been a week day, i'd pretty much have missed BOTH episodes of Neighbours. Angry at myself, i got up, had 'breakfast', and tried to make the most of the rest of my 'day'.

Inspiration at last.

2007-10-08T13:56:00.000Z

I've been inspired to start writing on my blog again. Partly because it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and it's better than doing work, but mostly because i've read the blog of my SU president and clearly sharing humourous observational thoughts brings some relief to the intellectual mind. I thought maybe i'd start a competition. He'd win though because he's more famous than me, and people actually read his blog, and he's insanely clever.

But this will be mine,
and mine will it be,
coz i can be funny too,
see.

SuzySu's New Imaginary Band

2007-04-28T19:24:00.000Z

Today, i have mostly been playing on 'The Rockstar Game', and have invented a band called: Fishpot Falafel. For lack of a real one.

A fun day of boredom

2007-03-30T00:25:00.000Z

Life Stuff, a poem.

2006-11-12T00:11:00.001Z

I've an essay in for Wednesday, i don't know what to write,
I've got no-one to talk to, so i'll be lonely for tonight.
But my bed is warm so i can sleep,
and each morning brings it's promise (it doesn't keep)
Because the second i awake,
the haze of dreams fades away
when i remember the things of yesterday.
The friend i hurt, the friend that hurt me
the argument with my family.
Forgiven, of course, but the hurt's still there
Do i say something more? Do they still care?
Do they love me enough to love me again,
Although i'm not perfect, can i still be a friend?
Forgiveness i give, but it's hard to receive
To love is to fight for what you believe.

Conditional love is what i've come to expect
But it'd be the end of my world if you turned and you left.

A case of Severe Discomfort

2006-11-05T00:54:00.000Z

I'm cold. I've got goose bumps. I could just reach over and put my jumper on, but i'm not going to. I thought, no, what do all the homeless people feel like tonight? What choice to they have when all the shelters are full and the season's turning to winter and the church isn't really doing much about it? I'm uncomfortable knowing that there is a man on the streets of Cardiff named Steve, who is not an alcoholic or a drug addict, who has been on the list to get a house from the council for months. All he wants is a home, "If i don't get a house by Christmas when it's too cold to sleep outside, i don't know what i'm going to do ." Has no-one got a spare room?? Has no-one the love of God enough to love this man?? WHERE ARE THE CHRISTIANS??? I don't see them. I want to be one, but i need some role models and the only ones i know are the ones who write the books i read. I'm not satisfied with this Christianity anymore, the one that meets on sunday mornings, sings songs and drinks tea. How i groan for something deeper and more real. I'd rather spend Sunday mornings with the homeless, because 'Gentle Jesus' is not as meek and mild as people make him out to be, but i want to know more about who he really is, but more so i want to SEE IT.

There are some people in life who you see and you meet, and immediately you know you like them, even before you've heard them speak. "I like you" you think. Then there are those who make your stomach turn because you cannot stand their company, and those who you avoid because they evoke something up in you, a reaction, that makes you surprised at yourself, surprised you could react that way to someone. But as i contemplate these people, of which there are fortunately very few, i feel a whisper saying it is not in comfort that people change, but in discomfort. God's way is not avoidance, nor is it seeing myself better than these people and feling ok with that, because that is not love. It's being vulnerable and forsaking my pride, which is possibly the hardest thing to do, especially when you've been hurt in the past.

This is where i'm at, and my prayers are that the church would stop being comfortable, renounce our pride and start seeking something more, then we meet be more of one mind and body, a community. Community, oh how i ache for it!

Ca va?

2006-09-18T21:57:00.000Z

"I have said all these things to you so that in me you may have peace.

In the world you will have trouble: but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Bonjour, mes amis (?!)

It's been a while! What a summer, funny to think i was dreading it and it's actually turned out to be quite good really. I was afraid i was going to wish it away because i enjoy being at Uni so much, but i've been busy enough to not to want to kill my family ALL of the time. Less than usual anyway. In fact it's been pretty great, because my parents have just discovered happiness in their marriage for the first time in 30 years. When you've seen the worst of your parents' marriage, you can truly appreciate the best of it - this is the first time i've felt like my parents actually like each other, and as long as Dad is fed at regular intervals homelife is relatively pleasant and peaceful. Something i certainly don't take for granted. Haha, you know how they say the man is the head of the family, but the woman is the neck, and can turn the head whichever way she likes... it's like the perfect analogy. Earlier this year i was thinking to myself how great it would be if my parents did something exciting like move abroad, but i never thought it would happen. My mum went to stay at my Aunt's cottage in France about a month ago, and she had so much fun helping do up the place she came back and said "I want one." Dad said, "Absolutely not." One week later they were in France and they'd bought one. Haha i love it! So it's like camping with a roof at the moment but if anyone wants a holiday France, bring your tools :)

Spiritually, i'm on a new journey now. This summer's brought some home truths with it (no pun intended) and i call it my 'journey of authentification', as i think i've been playing the Christian game for too long and it's time i faced the reality of it. It's about being honest with myself, checking my motives about WHY i am a Christian. People are often sceptical about me because they think i've grown up being force fed this stuff and i've swallowed it and regurgitated it to them, unprocessed inbetween. I don't think that's the case, because i'm thinking about and processing the huge amount of knowledge i've accumulated over the years more than i think about anything else. But i can't help thinking sometimes that maybe i'm in it because it simply provides an explanation for everything, it gives me boundaries and a purpose, a community with the same standard of morals which is also a family, but perhaps i'm missing the heartbeat now - the whole "Jesus" thing. To be honest, Jesus has become a cliche. "Jesus loves you" has no meaning to me, so i couldn't possibly say it to others. But dont get me wrong, just because i dont 'feel' it doesn't mean i dont believe it's true, it just makes Christian life so much harder when you can't really relate to the guy Christianity's about.
As Christians we so often focus to much on 'feelings'. When we don't feel God, we think he's not there or we're doing something wrong. I've learnt though that God doesn't want his worshipers to rely on feeling him, he wants us to worship despite what we feel. If we really knew and loved him, we'd know our meaningful sacrifices are the ones where we put what we feel aside and praise him anyway because we believe he is who he says he is. Easy to say, hard to do. Haven't mastered it yet.

However, my journey of authentification says "stop pretending" because God isn't fooled by the act. Often i do put on an act, because i like it when people think i'm better than i am at things. I pretend to be sorted when actually i'm a spiritual mess, i like to give people guidance when i wont even take it myself and i often put on a happy front when inside i'm crying, i dont want people to see that because "they wont like me if i'm sad." Darn it. This year, i vow to say what i mean. I won't get on my spiritual high horse and judge people, i'll say only what i belive to be true, not what i should say as a good christian. If God's who he says he is, he's big enough to reveal Jesus to me again in a real way so i wont be pretending when i worship. You can't manifest God, falseness doesn't cut it in the real world. Fortunately, God has never ever let me down in the area of revealing things and breaking down barriers at the time i most need it, like a couple of nights ago something huge happened (ask me if curiosity insists), too personally significant to mention here as i fear it would be cheapened.

So hold me to it, i'll tell you what i really think, not what i should. What do you think?

2006-07-31T21:08:00.000Z

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out all my trangressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

Psalm 51:1-2

Gosh i love the word of God, it just puts things so beautifully. As i was working today, that is 'working' (my summer job is decorating in a school which really is too fun to be called work), i was fairly disgusted with the amount of swearing. You know, it's just not a nice thing to listen to really. Now i'm certainly not one for forcing my beliefs on others, but there comes a point when something has to be said, and being concerned for the welfare their souls i take part responsibility for manifesting awareness for the holy ways of God. As i tried to enforce my new rule, which for the most part was rebelled against, i had a verse in mind: the mouth speaks out of an overflow of the heart. If there's foulness coming out of one's mouth, what foulness in the heart is it coming from? Maybe i'm exaggerating it, i don't know. I just dont like it.

2006-07-21T21:02:00.000Z

I love stained glass windows

2006-07-05T22:36:00.000Z

Is it safe yet?

2006-06-30T00:22:00.000Z

I haven't written on here for so long i wonder if it's safe to write stuff, i think i could write about anything i like because people have forgotten to read - i think when you check to see if someone's added another blog and they haven't it's a disappointment, and then people associate that disappointment with your blog so they stop reading. Therefore. I'm going to write more interesting stuff more often and maybe stop some inevitable future disappointment.

So i've been in America the last 3 weeks, and i had the most wonderful time with 2 of my best friends from the ship last year. I've missed them so much, there have been times i've cried this year thinking about them. At one point, on the way to pick her boyfriend up (who i also happened to know from the ship) from work, we were talking of how we were going to Chicago to meet up with other ship mates at the weekend, one of whom was Missy. I said "Oh boy Hil, you should have seen the look Missy gave me when we said goodbye last summer, it was heart wrenching!!" and Hil said "Are you kidding?! You should have seen the look you gave me!!" And as i recalled the exact moment in my mind, i remembered the pain of it. This was the first friend in my life that had taught me what friendship really was, saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, and as we sat in the car i started balling my eyes out!!! Suddenly she looks at me and she says "are... are you crying?!! Are you kidding me right now?!!" Wow, i thought. I'm a mess. There i was sitting in the car with this girl i have more love for than most of the people in this world and i'm crying over having to say goodbye to her LAST YEAR, lol. But there was a hole in me, i could feel it, there was a hole that i expected her to fill in me when i saw her, but i realised the moment i saw her that she wasn't going to fill it. What was this hole?

This flatness in my life i've been feeling, i thought it would go when i saw her again because my memory says it was there when i was with her on the ship but then i remembered, it wasn't. No friend of mine has ever filled that hole, loved me completely as much or more than i've loved them. Even my family dont fill that hole, though they love me completely.

I've been neglecting God recently, i've slipped into my old habits and i make excuses for getting it right and living the Godly life, i think "when i'm sorted in the future, then i'll do it" it's this constant battle i have every day, my happiest moments were when i fully understood God's heart and was actually doing God's work like feeding the poor. Sometimes i feel like if i'm not doing that all the time i'm in sin because of it, but thats the devil speaking isn't it? Jesus took 30 years to prepare for a 3 year ministry. But esp. since being in America, i realise just how individualistic our culture is, and you know what, i hate it, it's not healthy. While we've made our lives as comfortable as possible with our houses and our cars, we're missing the point and our priorities are saving time and making money rather than recognising the needs of are neighbour. How can i see the needs of my neighbour if i dont get the opportunity to see my neighbour? My neighbour is in his/her car or his/her house. Maybe this is just an excuse too, but i think its sad we worry our houses have to be perfectly clean and tidy to have people over, and we worry about if people are busy so we dont just drop in to say hello.

I can't stop thinking about it. I want to get out all the time, i dont want to stay here, but i'm too comfortable to move.

2006-05-08T15:30:00.000Z

There are depths within the human soul
It's hard to let another go,
And from fragility it groans when someone comes too close.

From someone you let at less than arms length,
Words hold twice as much power,
And all that someone says to you reaches so much deeper.

Either life or death you can choose to speak
A sensitive truth is all that's required,
Hold me valuable in your eyes as there i see my reflection.

It's been so long since i blogged properly on here. Shame really. It's funny how when the most interesting, bloggable stuff happens you dont have the time or the energy to blog about it. Or is that just me? For example, this last week has been one of the most interesting/difficult weeks this year for a couple of reasons (namely an unexpected letter, an unexpected advance and a flatmate unexpectedly getting arrested for voyerism all within 2 days). The emotional upheaval of it all has caused me to sleep a LOT, not wanting to do much or go out, but as the week's gone on it's getting better, time does seem to be a healer. Trying to forget the negative things, i've so much to look forward to in the next few weeks, like recording my debut EP (!!!!!) of recent songs i've written with my good friend Mark (we're still trying to think of a good name for us, what do people think of 'Sapphira'? Answers on a postcard please), then the summer ball, then a week on Tuesday i'm flying to Minneapolis in the States to spend 3 incredible weeks with 2 incredible friends from the ship last year. While i've got a lot to look forward to, i'm so sad i've only a week left of 1st year, then it's back home after my trip to get a job and wait impatiently for 2nd year - lots of work and fewer friends around as most of them are 3rd years. But praise God for such an incredible year, definately the 2nd best after last year i'd say. Here's hoping there's more even better years to come.

Hold your breath

2006-05-04T12:35:00.000Z

Hold your breath,
The day is becoming old in its sleepy state
but in it's looming darkness still hope remains
So hold your breath as the new day is coming
Remember light is on it's way.

2006-04-25T00:23:00.000Z

The time has come again to blog *yay* i hear you cry. (If you think about that sentence long enough, there are 2 different meanings it could have, lol) . Well i'm back at university now, i have been here two days and and already am having a good old fabulous time again, after the strangest 3 weeks of Easter holiday, ever. It was a wonderful holiday, i packed the 3 three weeks with as many friends, trips and things to keep myself entertained with as possible for the fear of being bored out of my tiny little head. I caught up with a childhood friend in Nottingham, went on a road trip to Cardiff with a friend from the ship, went bowling with a friend and lots of people i'd never met before in Miton Keynes, did a lot of shopping and piano playing, went to the pub with school friends, and had another ship mate from America come stay, road tripped to Cornwall with my parents, went surfing and slept in a summer house, before waving her off to Liberia. I can't say i was bored, but i can say for most of it i felt fairly dead inside (An over-used phrase in my vocabulary these days). I can't put my finger on why exactly, but i could not feel comfortable in myself at home. It would be easy to say it was because of my parents or something, and maybe that was something to do with it, but our problems, or the solution to our problems has to start with us pointing the finger at ourselves, not at others.

The moment Mum and i drove into Bangor again 2 days ago, i felt so at home. I felt so much peace, i began to feel i was where i belonged again. What a reassuring feeling!! If i'm to spend the next 2 or 3 years here, it's a blessing to feel so at home. Seeing my friends again, the looks on their faces when they saw me and the hugs they gave made me feel alive again, Lord i realised how much i love and need them! Oh how blessed i am.

Yesterday on Sunday, my favourite day of the week here, i played on the grand piano at church, i talked girl talk for hours with a good friend, the sun was shining and in the evening i met up with my cell group who never cease to be an incredible blessing and encouragement. Then on the way home, i sat in silence on a bench in a field overlooking the Menai, and God spoke to me - and the picture above is what he showed me, he was just reminding me of who he is. I can't explain how beautiful it was! The sunset over the Menai and the trees, the birds chirpin away and complete aloness with God. I got such a sense that i was walking in the light, and i was walking the right way.

2006-04-10T20:56:00.000Z

I think it's time for a more uplifting blog. I'll tell you about a conversation the Lord and i had last night, for they are always uplifting. As i lay in bed, considering the day's events, i began to feel frustrated with myself (a frequent occurence these days). My inibility to reach my own standards was leading to a long term dissatisfaction with my life. I watch movies and i see some incredible (as my friend Catherine would call them, 'Edgy') characters, like the Psychologist guy on Good Will Hunting that Robyn Williams plays, and i say "God, why can't i be like that? He's so darn cool." I wanna be good at everything, yet i feel just average at everything, just to be some sort of genius in one area would be amazing, in fact that would be better at being good at everything. I'd want to be a musical genius, with the ability to perfectly express a feeling faultlessly through music, or an experience, through a variety of styles. It'd be heaven. But the fact is, i'm not. And as i was lying in bed last night feeling frustrated at God for my inability to express a feeling faultlessly through music, God gently whispered "Child, you're missing the point." Ah, i thought. "I've given you a talent, it's not how great or small that talent is, it's what you do with it, the heart you use it with and the glory you bring to me with it that matters." Then i saw a picture of his glory, and felt his presence, and knew that that should be the focus of everything i do, not whether i'm good enough at doing something. (I must point out here that this is not the first time the Lord and I have had this conversation; i'd just fogotten the lesson he'd taught me before on the ship last year, as i was about to give up playing piano because i wan't good enough in my own eyes. I'm a slow learner.) So what a musician might call bad, if done with passion and a pure desire to bring glory to God, the Lord hears as beautiful. Who's opinion am i looking for? And as i've known Doug Heffernan point out, music so often becomes performance orientated rather than God focused. Is it the notes we play, or the offering of our ability whether great or small as a sacrifice with a pure heart? Well it's barely a question is it, with an answer so blindingly clear, i guess it's just a case of remembering it whenever we even think about making a sound.

"SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEEEEEEASE...."

2006-04-04T14:03:00.000Z

In the words of The Wedding Singer that is. If you've never seen it, see it, even if it's just for his song - so gut wrenchingly heartfelt and raw, wonderful. Up til now i've related to it most closely the moment i've stepped out of a stats exam on various occasions at uni, but after arriving at home for the Easter break, it's taken on a whole new meaning. Let me explain.

FRIDAY: Last day of uni before 3 week Easter break. Mum comes up in the Evening to stay over, and it was lovely, but still a huge shock to the system to have a mum again, and it was soon apparent she's never going to be happy with my hair style.

SATURDAY: After a lot of goodbyes, we set off back home. I was supposed to be going home on Sunday afternoon as i was down to do an Archery competition Sunday morning, but decided to go a day early to see Dad in a Folk, Gospel & Blues concert. My (mostly self-inflicted) sleep deprivation from the last month meant i was shattered, arriving home confused and disorientated. Man, it's so eerie here, it was saturday afternoon and no-one was around - like the second coming had been and gone and i'd missed it. And where are all the mountains?? I'd never noticed how flat this place is. Anyway, i had to cook the dinner for family (so what's the point in coming home?! jk) and rush out to help at the concert. I was absolutely useless. But with all this going on, Ben, my former long(ish)-term boyfriend was also playing there, and if i'm honest with myself, i was as much going to the concert to see him as i was my Dad as i hadn't seen him for 8 or 9 months. We had a lovely conversation. I forgot about how well we got on. How nice he is. Can't stop thinking... After all this, i broke down feeling lonely, confused and disorientated, crying down the phone to Catherine. I wanted to go back to uni.

SUNDAY: Never made it out of my PJs. Did nothing but drink tea, play guitar and print off soul survivor sheet music the entire day. Felt better though. Til the evening, when my conversation with another former boyfriend left much to be desired on my part - and leaves me feeling completely useless and awful like everything i touch seems to turn bad. I hope i still have a friend at the end of it all. Will i ever have a good, wholesome, fulfilling relationship that doesn't turn bad? Hopefully. I'm trusting God, but in the mean time man-fast's in full swing and i'm praying my damaged relationships with specific other's might be reconciled.

Maybe i really will be a nun, who knows?

ps. Please leave comments! (it's just nice to know who's read :) )

My new career choice

2006-04-03T18:17:00.000Z

I think i'm going to be a nun.

Letter

2006-03-27T17:57:00.000Z

Call me lazy, but i got up at 4pm today. For some reason i've felt ridiculously tired for about a week now, and i can't wait to feel normal again frankly. I think what topped it all off was the guy in the room above me who decided to put his music on at 5am on saturday night. Security had to make 4 trips before he eventually shut up 3 hours later. I mean like, WHO DOES THAT?? It was quite ironic that the talk in church the next morning (which i was only just awake enough to listen to) was on anger. Haha, let's just say it wasn't exactly feelings of brotherly love eminating from me that night.

I guess you could say i've been learning a lot about myself recently. At risk of being vulnerable here, there are a few conclusions i've come to.
1) Rage builds up in me quickly. It wasn't long til i was screaming at the ceiling and thinking about smashing the guy's window in by 6am sunday.
2) I get defensive when i'm corrected. I hate getting anything wrong.
3) One of my greatest fears/hatreds is when people think i'm something that i'm not, or not thinking i'm something that i am.
4) I rely on humour in my friendships. My closest friends are those i can laugh with. If people don't get my humour and laugh at me (that is, being part of the joke and not always the butt of it), i guess i find it hate to relate to them and to be honest i feel boring, and if i feel boring i think other people find me boring, and thats something i'm not - one of my greatest fears. Lol, Oh how life mocks me.

Praise God he knows me and despite getting it wrong (a lot), he loves me. A couple of months ago i received a letter, one i'd written to myself on the very last day of Segue (the course i did on the ship) last year. It was such a strange experience reading it, i cried, as i sounded like a different person to the one i was when i was reading it, like one who'd forgotten what it was all about. But one of the things i'd written was a poem, and i just wanted to put it on here because it's one of my most favourite things i've written, and it reminds me of what it IS really all about.

My lover stands streadfast beside me
He stands tall and dressed in white.
He takes my hand and crushes my fears,
From the darkness he brings forth light.

My lover's words bring healing,
I draw life from his very breath.
How could my faithful beloved,
for my sake suffer death?

For many times i've cheated,
I've been unfaithful to him.
I don't deserve such devotion,
As my love so often wears thin.

But my lover chose not to see it,
He didn't count all i'd done wrong.
He carried me unquestioningly,
So determined he was, so strong.

Now my lover guides me,
He's put me on my feet.
That i might walk with him in faithfulness,
To where sin and mercy meet.

My lover waits patiently for me,
There's nothing but love in his eyes.
He knows me and my deepest thoughts,
But when i look at him, he smiles.

St Patrick's Day

2006-03-20T12:09:00.000Z

Hello again!
It seems like it's been a while, though it really hasn't. Just thought i'd treat you all to a bit of eye candy (hehe) and it's easier to show than to tell. Firstly, so far i've forgotten to mention the wonderful snow days we've had here in the last few weeks, so featured is a picture of B1's snow-warfare and Chuck's idea of a snowball. What fun. Also featured is some small St Paddy's Day celebrations (the one night we all went to the Fridd bar without it resulting in an argument). There's also AJ playing my new keyboard (who, btw, was supposed to be my safe date for the summer ball but has stood me up as his girlfriend is now not going to be in America), Catherine (otherwise known as Agent Miles) and myself on a night out at main bar, my long lost brother Tom from B0, and lastly the great flood - i nearly flooded the kitchen whilst telling a story and forgetting i put the taps on full to do my washing up. Who wants to live with me next year?!!

So anyway, what else? Last week was stressful but got through, thanks for any prayers :) The salad i made for the band was AMAZING, i'll make a greek pasta salad for anybody, anytime. Didn't get to record songs last week as i had a much needed nap instead, but have written 2 WHOLE songs with MarkyB which we'll be performing at the greek on Tuesday, YAY!!! My room now truly is the music room.

On the Ben & Jerry war - Tescos had it on sale for £1.99 a pot, fortunately however, the flat's order for 14 pots were squandered when there were only 2 pots left on the aisle. 1-nil to Suzy.

On other things, MY FLIGHTS TO AMERICA ARE BOOKED!!!!! 6TH TO 26TH OF JUNE... MINNESOTA, BRACE YOURSELF. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

Also, God told me he loved me yesterday. It made my day.
I love you all.

work work work, i hate work

2006-03-15T14:49:00.000Z

Unlike strange people like Steve Day who actually enjoy studying, today i am mostly hating it. Why does the University like to lure us into a false sense of security for most of the year by giving us a very minimal workload, and then cram possibly half the years work into 2 weeks?? Not only that, but it's at that time when the social calendar takes a turn for the better and lots of interesting events i cannot possibly turn down turn up as well. I'm making a salad tomorrow for the band playing at Time, how exciting!! Also have been given opportunity to record and EP on Friday on a big fancy recording thingy. Ideas for songs anyone that i can write between squeezing out psychological jargon into my proposal due in tomorrow? WHY OH WHY THIS WEEK?!!
Prayer for grace, sanity and a miracle at this moment in time would be greatly appreciated.

I love you all.

Tidyup

2006-03-10T15:55:00.000Z

Look who i found! CUUUTE.
On an entirely different note, i want get my blog on today a little bit about my flat, B1. I love my flat, it's sociable and friendly and just because we fall out sometimes when alcohol is involved surely only means we love each other all the more... doesn't it? I am however growing more concerned however about a certain fad invading the entire corridor - Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I swear, it's taking over the world. Poor penniless students have been sucked into it's web of sugary goodness, and unhealthy addictions are becoming apparent. Chuck was eating it for breakfast this morning, Jen has gone through almost a pot a day for the last week. There are even more frightful stories like these, and i will continue to keep you updated on the situation as i try to stop it spreading to other floors. This is war.

I've had exams the last few days, i think they went ok considering how little work i did for them. I love Multiple Choice Question Exams, even if i knew nothing and crossed the same box for every question, i'd still get 25%. Results for last term come out on Monday, i hope i've whipped ass.

I've been praying God would give me a keyboard forn a few weeks now, and yesterday it arrived (i mentioned to my parents i was looking for one, and Dad bought me one on Ebay - what a lovely man he is). Unfortunate timing as i spent most of last night playing keyboard than i did revising, but you know, i know my priorities. I now have enough musical instuments in my room to make an entire band and for most of my flat mates to play in it - Keyboard, guitar, Djumbe, Bodhran and EggShaker etc. My musical creativity is no longer bound by lack of means, praise the Lord!

Other last thoughts: I'm hungry. Man-fast improving. Have a 'safe' date for the summer ball. I got applauded when i walked into the kitchen in B0 this afternoon and I'M GOING TO AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love you all.

Morfing Piddle

2006-03-07T16:21:00.000Z

I was going to blog, but i've had to wait so long for a computer i dont have time coz i have to go teach piano to the cutest little 7 year ever.
All i wanted to say today was that blogging, will now be known as 'getting my blog on'.
Also, i wanted to tell the Biscuit Club just how much i love them, thankyou so much for asking me to be an honourary member, thankyou for the hugs, the friendship & the ice cream. Living in B1 wouldn't be half as fun without you all downstairs in B0... I LOVE YOU!!!!

And lastly, one of my latest works:
MORFING PIDDLE.

Celespate this worfing droof,
tis shaldy mand in tidding foo.
Caulding a meep for Lenter's Rot
In Nankta Shifty's Sauld-a-lot.
He sint a span, a tordal one,
with Drinty Fidey Shangleton.
But letting a spite to Bandy Fane,
They set aloof for Jordy Cane.
Night compride on Lectum bine,
and swashing sone asorlam climb
But akrunken fab alofty fell!
Acrack amid the splittling shell.
Drinty Fidey flooked alon,
and lefty-right he staggly ron.
Dward he banged to the flickling heap,
and Drinty banged at Shifty's feet.
"Oh-Warty aid are Rotsy's churd!
O-Fliv are past are polly merd"
And Fetchty did, Rotslofty cam,
D'arty Lord shawk arty fam.
And the morfing of this piddling noo,
Flivdy pee, wocrack theedoo.

We are the champions

2006-03-07T00:38:00.000Z

The Bangor University Bare-Bow team - baring medals for our incredible shooting skills at a competition in Chester last month.
Three cheers for all sports requiring the minimum amount of effort & the most amount of fun.

Today, i have mostly been eating omlette.

2006-03-06T23:25:00.000Z

I've been a little low today,
So thought i'd write a poem.
But sadly it's not going well,
as it would usually be flowin.

I spoke to Hilary and Meg in America today for 2 hours. Now i really miss them.
I may have to add Disney films to my Chick-Flick ban, as i recon the love stories are just as potent and leave me equally in as big an emotional mess, Beauty and the Beast has done me no favours.
PONDER: Why does everyone i love most live so far away?
I guess it's just like one of those mysteries of life, such as the mystery: Why are the cutest men short? Why are all tall men taken? Why are all the cute, tall men gay? I guess we'll never know.
But on a more positive note, life is wonderful. My laptop started working again, i'm getting a keyboard in the post on Thursday, and i'm in first year so i dont have to worry too much about the fact i've done no revision for my 4 exams this week. Fabulous.

(oh, if anyone reads this and has a clue how to work this blog thingy please let me know, i can't work it out for the life of me, thanks)

My first Blog. I feel quite cool.

2006-03-05T16:55:00.000Z

Haha like anyone's ever gonna read this.