Letter

Call me lazy, but i got up at 4pm today. For some reason i've felt ridiculously tired for about a week now, and i can't wait to feel normal again frankly. I think what topped it all off was the guy in the room above me who decided to put his music on at 5am on saturday night. Security had to make 4 trips before he eventually shut up 3 hours later. I mean like, WHO DOES THAT?? It was quite ironic that the talk in church the next morning (which i was only just awake enough to listen to) was on anger. Haha, let's just say it wasn't exactly feelings of brotherly love eminating from me that night.

I guess you could say i've been learning a lot about myself recently. At risk of being vulnerable here, there are a few conclusions i've come to.
1) Rage builds up in me quickly. It wasn't long til i was screaming at the ceiling and thinking about smashing the guy's window in by 6am sunday.
2) I get defensive when i'm corrected. I hate getting anything wrong.
3) One of my greatest fears/hatreds is when people think i'm something that i'm not, or not thinking i'm something that i am.
4) I rely on humour in my friendships. My closest friends are those i can laugh with. If people don't get my humour and laugh at me (that is, being part of the joke and not always the butt of it), i guess i find it hate to relate to them and to be honest i feel boring, and if i feel boring i think other people find me boring, and thats something i'm not - one of my greatest fears. Lol, Oh how life mocks me.

Praise God he knows me and despite getting it wrong (a lot), he loves me. A couple of months ago i received a letter, one i'd written to myself on the very last day of Segue (the course i did on the ship) last year. It was such a strange experience reading it, i cried, as i sounded like a different person to the one i was when i was reading it, like one who'd forgotten what it was all about. But one of the things i'd written was a poem, and i just wanted to put it on here because it's one of my most favourite things i've written, and it reminds me of what it IS really all about.

My lover stands streadfast beside me
He stands tall and dressed in white.
He takes my hand and crushes my fears,
From the darkness he brings forth light.

My lover's words bring healing,
I draw life from his very breath.
How could my faithful beloved,
for my sake suffer death?

For many times i've cheated,
I've been unfaithful to him.
I don't deserve such devotion,
As my love so often wears thin.

But my lover chose not to see it,
He didn't count all i'd done wrong.
He carried me unquestioningly,
So determined he was, so strong.

Now my lover guides me,
He's put me on my feet.
That i might walk with him in faithfulness,
To where sin and mercy meet.

My lover waits patiently for me,
There's nothing but love in his eyes.
He knows me and my deepest thoughts,
But when i look at him, he smiles.