Is it safe yet?

I haven't written on here for so long i wonder if it's safe to write stuff, i think i could write about anything i like because people have forgotten to read - i think when you check to see if someone's added another blog and they haven't it's a disappointment, and then people associate that disappointment with your blog so they stop reading. Therefore. I'm going to write more interesting stuff more often and maybe stop some inevitable future disappointment.

So i've been in America the last 3 weeks, and i had the most wonderful time with 2 of my best friends from the ship last year. I've missed them so much, there have been times i've cried this year thinking about them. At one point, on the way to pick her boyfriend up (who i also happened to know from the ship) from work, we were talking of how we were going to Chicago to meet up with other ship mates at the weekend, one of whom was Missy. I said "Oh boy Hil, you should have seen the look Missy gave me when we said goodbye last summer, it was heart wrenching!!" and Hil said "Are you kidding?! You should have seen the look you gave me!!" And as i recalled the exact moment in my mind, i remembered the pain of it. This was the first friend in my life that had taught me what friendship really was, saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, and as we sat in the car i started balling my eyes out!!! Suddenly she looks at me and she says "are... are you crying?!! Are you kidding me right now?!!" Wow, i thought. I'm a mess. There i was sitting in the car with this girl i have more love for than most of the people in this world and i'm crying over having to say goodbye to her LAST YEAR, lol. But there was a hole in me, i could feel it, there was a hole that i expected her to fill in me when i saw her, but i realised the moment i saw her that she wasn't going to fill it. What was this hole?

This flatness in my life i've been feeling, i thought it would go when i saw her again because my memory says it was there when i was with her on the ship but then i remembered, it wasn't. No friend of mine has ever filled that hole, loved me completely as much or more than i've loved them. Even my family dont fill that hole, though they love me completely.

I've been neglecting God recently, i've slipped into my old habits and i make excuses for getting it right and living the Godly life, i think "when i'm sorted in the future, then i'll do it" it's this constant battle i have every day, my happiest moments were when i fully understood God's heart and was actually doing God's work like feeding the poor. Sometimes i feel like if i'm not doing that all the time i'm in sin because of it, but thats the devil speaking isn't it? Jesus took 30 years to prepare for a 3 year ministry. But esp. since being in America, i realise just how individualistic our culture is, and you know what, i hate it, it's not healthy. While we've made our lives as comfortable as possible with our houses and our cars, we're missing the point and our priorities are saving time and making money rather than recognising the needs of are neighbour. How can i see the needs of my neighbour if i dont get the opportunity to see my neighbour? My neighbour is in his/her car or his/her house. Maybe this is just an excuse too, but i think its sad we worry our houses have to be perfectly clean and tidy to have people over, and we worry about if people are busy so we dont just drop in to say hello.

I can't stop thinking about it. I want to get out all the time, i dont want to stay here, but i'm too comfortable to move.