Ca va?

"I have said all these things to you so that in me you may have peace.

In the world you will have trouble: but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Bonjour, mes amis (?!)

It's been a while! What a summer, funny to think i was dreading it and it's actually turned out to be quite good really. I was afraid i was going to wish it away because i enjoy being at Uni so much, but i've been busy enough to not to want to kill my family ALL of the time. Less than usual anyway. In fact it's been pretty great, because my parents have just discovered happiness in their marriage for the first time in 30 years. When you've seen the worst of your parents' marriage, you can truly appreciate the best of it - this is the first time i've felt like my parents actually like each other, and as long as Dad is fed at regular intervals homelife is relatively pleasant and peaceful. Something i certainly don't take for granted. Haha, you know how they say the man is the head of the family, but the woman is the neck, and can turn the head whichever way she likes... it's like the perfect analogy. Earlier this year i was thinking to myself how great it would be if my parents did something exciting like move abroad, but i never thought it would happen. My mum went to stay at my Aunt's cottage in France about a month ago, and she had so much fun helping do up the place she came back and said "I want one." Dad said, "Absolutely not." One week later they were in France and they'd bought one. Haha i love it! So it's like camping with a roof at the moment but if anyone wants a holiday France, bring your tools :)

Spiritually, i'm on a new journey now. This summer's brought some home truths with it (no pun intended) and i call it my 'journey of authentification', as i think i've been playing the Christian game for too long and it's time i faced the reality of it. It's about being honest with myself, checking my motives about WHY i am a Christian. People are often sceptical about me because they think i've grown up being force fed this stuff and i've swallowed it and regurgitated it to them, unprocessed inbetween. I don't think that's the case, because i'm thinking about and processing the huge amount of knowledge i've accumulated over the years more than i think about anything else. But i can't help thinking sometimes that maybe i'm in it because it simply provides an explanation for everything, it gives me boundaries and a purpose, a community with the same standard of morals which is also a family, but perhaps i'm missing the heartbeat now - the whole "Jesus" thing. To be honest, Jesus has become a cliche. "Jesus loves you" has no meaning to me, so i couldn't possibly say it to others. But dont get me wrong, just because i dont 'feel' it doesn't mean i dont believe it's true, it just makes Christian life so much harder when you can't really relate to the guy Christianity's about.
As Christians we so often focus to much on 'feelings'. When we don't feel God, we think he's not there or we're doing something wrong. I've learnt though that God doesn't want his worshipers to rely on feeling him, he wants us to worship despite what we feel. If we really knew and loved him, we'd know our meaningful sacrifices are the ones where we put what we feel aside and praise him anyway because we believe he is who he says he is. Easy to say, hard to do. Haven't mastered it yet.

However, my journey of authentification says "stop pretending" because God isn't fooled by the act. Often i do put on an act, because i like it when people think i'm better than i am at things. I pretend to be sorted when actually i'm a spiritual mess, i like to give people guidance when i wont even take it myself and i often put on a happy front when inside i'm crying, i dont want people to see that because "they wont like me if i'm sad." Darn it. This year, i vow to say what i mean. I won't get on my spiritual high horse and judge people, i'll say only what i belive to be true, not what i should say as a good christian. If God's who he says he is, he's big enough to reveal Jesus to me again in a real way so i wont be pretending when i worship. You can't manifest God, falseness doesn't cut it in the real world. Fortunately, God has never ever let me down in the area of revealing things and breaking down barriers at the time i most need it, like a couple of nights ago something huge happened (ask me if curiosity insists), too personally significant to mention here as i fear it would be cheapened.

So hold me to it, i'll tell you what i really think, not what i should. What do you think?